Holding On

~ This post was drafted several weeks before we had learned of our news, a move to Colorado. Our journey continues. Only God holds our future, each and every day He sees the end to the beginning. ~


When I pray I feel it near, the verge of something bigger than me, the edge, the closing, excitement stirring in my heart. I know He goes before me, before us and guides us and this is what I cling to. I'm here now.

No news yet on a potential job position that would allow Matt to cover the entire state of CO. We are in limbo, holding on and holding on. Yet, in the uncertainty, I know we are on our way. I have known for a while, that this chapter will end soon. The Lord has allowed me an awareness, and a stillness to things I need to keep in focus.

The privileges I have known, being His child. He holds me together, and breaks me apart. Teaches me, grows me, stretching me and it continues. His timing, the way he reveals piece by piece, He amazes me. I didn't know why during satisfied moments my heart would shift, but now I do. He pushes me through, makes me go beyond my own comfort and I'm grateful, tearfully grateful.

In 2008, I saw the CO landscape for the first time and was awe struck that people could actually live in such gorgeous surroundings. Never had I dreamed that the Lord would offer this and so much more to us, in just three years. In 2010 we took our first family vacation to Granby, CO. Driving into the mountains during holiday traffic, my sunglasses hid my tears. How can home be a place I've never been? I didn't know then and I don't know now. What I can say is that only God allowed me to know that day that I was entering a time in my life that would prove significant.

I journal this to give testimony to the One who holds my life and directs these changes. I don't ever want to forget where I've come from or how I get to where I'm going. Everything I have grown into is because of His grace and wherever I am, His grace is with me. He holds me together now, before any official news, and He will hold me together during a frenzied, bittersweet ending to a beautiful chapter in my life.
Lord, while you move me, help me hold on.

Happy Birthday Samuel!

It's official, the big number four candle has been blown out. He reminds me daily that he's not a baby, verbally and physically, and just like his brothers, he shows me no mercy. He insists on zipping up his own jacket and putting on his shoes. He gets the keys to my van, pushes buttons to open doors and climbs in his seat. He snaps on his belt and says, " K Mama, I'm ready." When I leave him at Mustard Seed, he simply says," Bye Mama." He fills his own cup with water and he pushes in his chair after meals. He knows how to navigate my iphone and sucker me into buying apps. Small people knock on my door and ask me, "Can Sam play?"
I could just cry a river and at times I have. (The night before his birthday, to name one.) He has technical skills and he shows intelligence and independence, he has manners and confidence ... he even has a social life! What is happening??
This is all part of the deal, right? The part of parenting that allows you to be so happy and so sad all at once. The bittersweet cup we drink from, the pride mixed together with pain ... the slow flight from our nest.
Dear God, Thank you for the appointed calling of being a mom. Please give me strength to endure the process and fill me with gratitude for every moment. Enable me to love them the way you love them, and help me recognize your work in my children, who belong to you first. And as they all outgrow their footed pajamas, may they rise up as men for your cause.
Happy 4th birthday to my precious little man ... who will always be my baby.

Silly Sam

Being adorable can be both, a blessing and a curse, just ask Sam. I am usually biting the insides of my cheeks to keep from smiling when I have to discipline him. He makes me laugh. He makes us all laugh. Everyday. It's everything, from the way he dresses himself to the half wink, pirate eye that he uses to be cool or mad or shy or funny. It's a multi expression face, you can use it for whatever you feel like and it works. It's very similar to the arrangement of multi purpose words that he uses. A group of words that rhyme, you just fill them in wherever you want. They usually start with footy booty or pooty hooty. It can sound like this- " Sam, what do you want for breakfast?" " Hooty pooty. " or "Sam, where are your shoes?" " Footy booty pooty. " or "Sam, why are you so cute?" (smacking himself on the forehead,smiling) " Tooty Pooty Hooty. "

There are so many ways this boy keeps us smiling! :)

A Birthday Prayer for Elijah

~I pray that God would fill your heart with dreams
and that faith gives you the courage to dare to do great things
I'm here for you whatever this life brings
so let my love give you roots and help you find your wings~
-Mark Harris

After I read this post to Elijah today he said, "I'm gonna get wings?"

Catching sight of eagles in Alton, Illinois... and ice cream, of course.

Lauren....

This is not a figment of your imagination....do not adjust your dials.... you're not on the wrong blog. The pictures posted above are genuine in existence. That's right you are looking at a baby girl born to Matt's oldest brother Jeff and our sister-in-law Shannon. She is just this tiny little bit of a baby, perfect in every way. Congratulations to Jeff and Shannon and to all the extended family. After three sons and six grandsons....lucky number seven for my mother-in-law and father-in-law is precious little Lauren.
~ Daughters are like flowers, they fill the world with beauty and sometimes attract pests~ AU :)

Just thought I would give Jeff some trouble about the future with this little beauty. ;)

Can It Really Be?

My baby turned three! Samuel is all of a boy that you could ever dream of. I can hardly believe that three years have gone by since the day that I first got to see his beautiful face. My heart is full of all the mixed emotions of watching your baby grow. I am so happy and proud of my exuberant boy and at the same time I have that ache inside knowing that he is growing up and there is nothing I can do to slow it down.
" Oh the pleasure of watching the children growing is mixed with a bitter cup,of knowing the watercolor ponies will one day ride away"....-Wayne Watson